Where have I been, readers may ask. My last entry was...months, almost years ago.
Indeed, where have I been? I wish that was a simple answer to share. But the truth is not as simple. It is better than an excuse, however, and it is a wonderful story.
I have been living out my writing and ideals in reality. I have not lived vicariously through my thoughts and then put them onto paper or blogs with mere aspirations and what ifs. I have been living out my life with intention and purpose. This way of living does not allow for idealism that can easily inhabit writing as the thoughts of inspiration strike. Living out what passions and purpose that are noble require relationships with people that matter to me and more importantly, matter to You, Father. That would probably include everybody, but You know my limitations and are very strategic about who You bring across my path. And it’s never really up to me. But therein lies the adventure.
Writing is very enjoyable. There is a pensive consideration as I choose my words. I can pause and assess and rethink and back up and go at it again; all to be sure to accurately express what I mean. More importantly, I want the choice of words and phrases to communicate the experience and perspective of the thought. I also abhor the tone of pride. No one wants to listen to a know it all. Certainly, I don’t. This may sound like a lot of work, and it may be. But it is incredibly therapeutic and fulfilling.
Living, however, is not as tidy. Life is messy. Relationships are no exception. The big relief to the messiness is that You don’t stress out over it all. I figure if God doesn't, I probably don’t need to either. And besides, the crisis that brought the shock and drama was not a shock to You. You were already there. I only need to know my role to play in the crisis and be open to the One who knows what to do.
This is another one of those moments that has me scratching my head and mumbling to myself. I wonder if I’m over-simplifying this stuff again. Shouldn't my approach to crisis be more spiritual sounding. Shouldn't there be hours of prayer and scripture study? Shouldn’t I seek the counsel of some elders or pastors? How do I know I’m hearing from God on this?
I’ll just say this: I have indeed thought all of those same thoughts many times, and will always come full circle to finding peace in the middle of whatever I am experiencing, because You reassure me that You are not surprised by what I am facing. You ask that I trust You. And so...I do. Anymore, I simply cut to the chase and choose to trust rather than second guess myself and second guess You, Father. Life then becomes simpler. All the fuss gets me to the same place, but just a lot slower and with an abundance of wasted energy.
So the results of my “living method” have done what? Has it made life easier? Not really. I got a lot going on. Sometimes more than I’d like. Life is busy and crazy as ever. The only real difference perhaps then is my perspective. I don’t see things the same way. And maybe...perhaps...for the first time in my life I see things more true; more true as they are. Perspective is not of my own and not gained on my own. It is in the living with You, in relationship, that You get to show and teach and heal. I get to see and learn and live as I was meant to live: free from the prison of fear, free to walk free from its restraints and into the purpose I have been created for all along. How beautiful is that? I couldn’t write a better story.
Thank you, Father for the life you have restored to me. Thank you for new beginnings and hope for the future. Thank you that I am doused with Your amazing grace that heals and Your awesome love that restores. Living is different now because of who You are. And because of who You are, I can be who I am: Your son, made for enjoying this life walk with You, about your business of loving people and impacting lives one moment at a time. Who would have ever thought of such a miracle?
I’m thinking of the scene in “Dead Poets Society” when Mr Keating’s instructs his students to step up onto his desk. “You see, the world looks very different from up here...you don’t believe me? Come see for yourselves,...come on.”
I would say the same to all that know me. Come experience this perspective. It beats religion. And it’s the adventure of a lifetime.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Spiritual Whitewash
I am convinced that the only way to live spiritually is to learn from the Spirit.
Is this too simple, too obvious? Perhaps, but what would a child do if he saw a thug come on the scene and beat up his friend? What would a child do if he saw his friend drowning? The adult thing to do would be to intervene, to do something, but not to be a casual bystander. But what would the child do? Cry? Run to Dad for help? Ask another adult for help? Probably so, or something similar. In the moment of helplessness, there isn’t indifference, but the need to find help in someone who can do something, who knows what to do.
I’m sorry, but if you say to me that it’s time to do battle in the spirit realm and presume to know what it is you should do and jump right in with tenacious vigor and anger, I have a problem with that. Why? Because until I know what the Spirit is doing, how can I possibly know what to do? It’s not that I don’t see there’s a problem. I simply cannot presume to have a clue unless my spiritual Teacher clues me in.
The reasonable approach is not the spiritual approach. At least from where I stand. What good have we ever done by taking charge of the spiritual onslaught by using reason? “Let’s fight this with the Bible’s words.” Really? Are the dead being raised, the sick healed, or the maimed made whole? Are people’s lives being transformed by the Bible, by its truth, or by sermons? I say no, not truly.
It is the person of God who changes the heart of man. It is His work that transforms and restores and releases the heart from the prison. It is His reality that does all of this and it cannot be learned by a study or reading or listening to a sermon series. I’m sorry, but it is true. Without the person of God being encountered, it is more self help whitewash that merely masquerades transformation until the truth be known and the rot is apparent and once again, the formula, the theology, the precept has left us right where we started or worse. And we either blame God, or move on to the new whitewash brand.
Father, I am no longer choosing to put my meager portion of faith into this deceptive cycle. I choose to believe in Your person. You are good. You are kind. You are a lot of amazing things, but first of all: You …are…my…Father. You, my Father instruct me. You reveal Yourself in experience and revelation to me and to others, some of who have documented their encounter in a collection of writings put together in a book. These writings have stood the test of time because the encounter with God was real. It was You that has stood the test of time. Not merely the book.
So then, my experience counts as well. Why? Because You are my experience. I am experiencing You as the history of “me” is made. I can add to this book’s validation. I am experiencing what they experienced; at least in part, because, You, the same God they encountered I encounter to this day. And for that matter, my children and their children will as well. And when inspired as I am now, I too will write and document Your revelation to me. I too will be a part of a community of people who are on the same path to wholly encounter You, our Father. And to Your glory, we collectively and individually become Christ to people. Amazing.
So how do we do this spiritual thing, Lord?
And maybe that’s the problem. It isn’t the doing. We are to be: be Your children, be Your followers, be honest with You... be loved. You’re a good Father. We can trust in Your care. You will show us. You will grow us. You know what to do in a spiritual conflict. You’re not surprised at the news. It can be as simple as asking, then hearing Your voice or feeling Your prompting. It doesn’t necessarily seem to be or need to be complicated. And that’s good, because frankly we’re not so bright spiritually. But each of us can wait on Your response to us. We can trust in Your leadership, Your fatherhood.
You will show us the way. You know what to do.
Is this too simple, too obvious? Perhaps, but what would a child do if he saw a thug come on the scene and beat up his friend? What would a child do if he saw his friend drowning? The adult thing to do would be to intervene, to do something, but not to be a casual bystander. But what would the child do? Cry? Run to Dad for help? Ask another adult for help? Probably so, or something similar. In the moment of helplessness, there isn’t indifference, but the need to find help in someone who can do something, who knows what to do.
I’m sorry, but if you say to me that it’s time to do battle in the spirit realm and presume to know what it is you should do and jump right in with tenacious vigor and anger, I have a problem with that. Why? Because until I know what the Spirit is doing, how can I possibly know what to do? It’s not that I don’t see there’s a problem. I simply cannot presume to have a clue unless my spiritual Teacher clues me in.
The reasonable approach is not the spiritual approach. At least from where I stand. What good have we ever done by taking charge of the spiritual onslaught by using reason? “Let’s fight this with the Bible’s words.” Really? Are the dead being raised, the sick healed, or the maimed made whole? Are people’s lives being transformed by the Bible, by its truth, or by sermons? I say no, not truly.
It is the person of God who changes the heart of man. It is His work that transforms and restores and releases the heart from the prison. It is His reality that does all of this and it cannot be learned by a study or reading or listening to a sermon series. I’m sorry, but it is true. Without the person of God being encountered, it is more self help whitewash that merely masquerades transformation until the truth be known and the rot is apparent and once again, the formula, the theology, the precept has left us right where we started or worse. And we either blame God, or move on to the new whitewash brand.
Father, I am no longer choosing to put my meager portion of faith into this deceptive cycle. I choose to believe in Your person. You are good. You are kind. You are a lot of amazing things, but first of all: You …are…my…Father. You, my Father instruct me. You reveal Yourself in experience and revelation to me and to others, some of who have documented their encounter in a collection of writings put together in a book. These writings have stood the test of time because the encounter with God was real. It was You that has stood the test of time. Not merely the book.
So then, my experience counts as well. Why? Because You are my experience. I am experiencing You as the history of “me” is made. I can add to this book’s validation. I am experiencing what they experienced; at least in part, because, You, the same God they encountered I encounter to this day. And for that matter, my children and their children will as well. And when inspired as I am now, I too will write and document Your revelation to me. I too will be a part of a community of people who are on the same path to wholly encounter You, our Father. And to Your glory, we collectively and individually become Christ to people. Amazing.
So how do we do this spiritual thing, Lord?
And maybe that’s the problem. It isn’t the doing. We are to be: be Your children, be Your followers, be honest with You... be loved. You’re a good Father. We can trust in Your care. You will show us. You will grow us. You know what to do in a spiritual conflict. You’re not surprised at the news. It can be as simple as asking, then hearing Your voice or feeling Your prompting. It doesn’t necessarily seem to be or need to be complicated. And that’s good, because frankly we’re not so bright spiritually. But each of us can wait on Your response to us. We can trust in Your leadership, Your fatherhood.
You will show us the way. You know what to do.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
What If?
Father, I wonder what would happen in a church service, if at the end of worship, when the connection of man and deity is pure, or at least as pure as it can be, if there was a pause and a waiting, which often there is. But…what if we waited a little longer? What if a little longer was pushed to the place where we were unfamiliar as to what to do? What if this awkward moment transitioned to a point where we humbly confessed we’re at a loss?
“What do we do, God?”
What if we waited and nothing happened? Whose fault would it be? What if blame didn’t matter and the few who felt adventurous and wanting, wouldn’t relent and insisted on waiting? What if nothing happened and there was no time left for the sermon. And yet a few adventurous and wanting seekers tasted something, a longing for more where they were committed to wait at the expense of the sermon, knowing that Your connection with Your people was vital for the “revival” for which each of them yearned?
What if this went on for weeks and attendance dwindled and the majority of the attendees bitterly complained… lashed out with cutting slurs on the minority of seekers… left the church, or even excommunicated the trouble making, defiant, un-submitted seeker clan, announcing they were no longer allowed through the church doors? What if this small group was pronounced outcasts, heretics and no other community of believers were allowed to speak to such rebellious riffraff? What if this small band of passionate idealists wanted Your glory so badly they continued to diligently seek You out in moments of hopeful silence and revelation? What if they humbly sought out direction from the Holy Spirit? And what if the Spirit led them where they would never have thought they would ever go?
Pause, seek, wait.
Waiting is relational; another reason why we’re not good at it and why it is so awkward. But isn’t meeting with our Head more important than a spinal impulse of a sermon? How many good sermons have been heard? Thousands? How many great sermons? Hundreds? How many spiritual revelations in the moment of spiritual connection with our heavenly Father? There probably hasn’t been hundreds, but which of these have been more impactful. I would wager that Your direct relational revelation can be recalled in detail of time and place and content. With these our lives have changed forever. With these life pours into us and through us.
This isn’t bizarre, nor does it need to become as such. You don’t reveal Yourself as the ultimate goal. You meet with us with intention and then we get to go do what You said, which is usually the impossible. And as we’re going You keep the revelation fresh by requiring faith to move forward. Your revelation is timely. We wait and when You say so, we go, we do, we come back to wait some more. Waiting is a big thing for You. It’s a faith builder for sure.
“How much do I trust You?”
Stepping out with a lot to lose is another faith builder. Somehow it’s important to remain reliant on Your miracle power than what is familiar and safe. Our acceptance of our gangly awkward adolescent posture is the catalyst for miracle living. Were it any other way we could be comfortable. As children we have blind faith in our parents to provide and keep us safe. As adults we acquire skills and training to make us self reliant and capable. Or at least, that’s the social expectations. And yet we remain as teenagers, children in adult bodies, thinking we know, but don’t and bent on never admitting if we haven’t a clue. Our mind and our bodies disconnected, then throw in spiritual anorexia and, well, it’s a fine mess. How can we ever presume that we have our act together? Are we ever meant to reach such a state? Our perfection is reached only in our level of relationship to You, Father.
The way to You is written on our hearts.
I want to give way to the Holy Spirit’s “rhema”, his word, and have fun with this, no, not as a game, but as the adventure of a lifetime. I want to live with purpose and effectiveness far beyond what I could do alone. I want to follow what was written on my heart and live to my heart’s content in sweet relationship with You, my creative, living, glorious Father.
“What do we do, God?”
What if we waited and nothing happened? Whose fault would it be? What if blame didn’t matter and the few who felt adventurous and wanting, wouldn’t relent and insisted on waiting? What if nothing happened and there was no time left for the sermon. And yet a few adventurous and wanting seekers tasted something, a longing for more where they were committed to wait at the expense of the sermon, knowing that Your connection with Your people was vital for the “revival” for which each of them yearned?
What if this went on for weeks and attendance dwindled and the majority of the attendees bitterly complained… lashed out with cutting slurs on the minority of seekers… left the church, or even excommunicated the trouble making, defiant, un-submitted seeker clan, announcing they were no longer allowed through the church doors? What if this small group was pronounced outcasts, heretics and no other community of believers were allowed to speak to such rebellious riffraff? What if this small band of passionate idealists wanted Your glory so badly they continued to diligently seek You out in moments of hopeful silence and revelation? What if they humbly sought out direction from the Holy Spirit? And what if the Spirit led them where they would never have thought they would ever go?
Pause, seek, wait.
Waiting is relational; another reason why we’re not good at it and why it is so awkward. But isn’t meeting with our Head more important than a spinal impulse of a sermon? How many good sermons have been heard? Thousands? How many great sermons? Hundreds? How many spiritual revelations in the moment of spiritual connection with our heavenly Father? There probably hasn’t been hundreds, but which of these have been more impactful. I would wager that Your direct relational revelation can be recalled in detail of time and place and content. With these our lives have changed forever. With these life pours into us and through us.
This isn’t bizarre, nor does it need to become as such. You don’t reveal Yourself as the ultimate goal. You meet with us with intention and then we get to go do what You said, which is usually the impossible. And as we’re going You keep the revelation fresh by requiring faith to move forward. Your revelation is timely. We wait and when You say so, we go, we do, we come back to wait some more. Waiting is a big thing for You. It’s a faith builder for sure.
“How much do I trust You?”
Stepping out with a lot to lose is another faith builder. Somehow it’s important to remain reliant on Your miracle power than what is familiar and safe. Our acceptance of our gangly awkward adolescent posture is the catalyst for miracle living. Were it any other way we could be comfortable. As children we have blind faith in our parents to provide and keep us safe. As adults we acquire skills and training to make us self reliant and capable. Or at least, that’s the social expectations. And yet we remain as teenagers, children in adult bodies, thinking we know, but don’t and bent on never admitting if we haven’t a clue. Our mind and our bodies disconnected, then throw in spiritual anorexia and, well, it’s a fine mess. How can we ever presume that we have our act together? Are we ever meant to reach such a state? Our perfection is reached only in our level of relationship to You, Father.
The way to You is written on our hearts.
I want to give way to the Holy Spirit’s “rhema”, his word, and have fun with this, no, not as a game, but as the adventure of a lifetime. I want to live with purpose and effectiveness far beyond what I could do alone. I want to follow what was written on my heart and live to my heart’s content in sweet relationship with You, my creative, living, glorious Father.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
I'll Take Sappy
Living in the Spirit is a catchy cliché phrase I’d rather not use. It has connotations of a stereotype I’d rather not be associated with. But I can’t think of how else to refer to it other than more common Christian church words; the ones that only Christians use, as if it was secret code or something. “Christianese,” I call it. A language set apart that requires club membership. But I would like to call it something, just not something that has negative connotations or that reeks of elitism; something that any person can hear and be intrigued. They could hear the word and be curious and ask questions and be fascinated and discover that they too could have an experience similar yet unique.
And that’s it really. I am having a unique experience of living day to day and moment to moment with an awareness and acknowledgement of God being with me and me with Him. Like a marriage or a brotherhood or a friendship or a companionship. It’s a Father and son strolling down the path. The walk is easy and hard, up and down and sometimes level. Periodically there are paths to choose from and hazards to avoid. It gets dark and then morning comes again. I get separated and call out to be found. Feeling lost is awful. I plow ahead and lose my way. I get weary and sit to rest. He sits with me. Often, He goes on and beckons me to press ahead.
So that’s it really; a walk with my Lord in the normal course of living. It isn’t strange or ethereal. I don’t have special mediations and chants. It doesn’t get weird. I live. I include Him in everything I do. And he knows He’s welcome when I forget to invite Him. I’m a middle aged man physically, but spiritually an adolescent who is learning to be like his Father. And He is a great Father.
Certainly, I’ve doubted Him and questioned His motives and actions. I’ve accused Him of many things. But He has stayed true to who He is. He loves. And for me to know what this meant required inquiry. What does love mean? Warm fuzzies? Sappy mush-gush? I needed to know who He is. And actually, this would be insufficient. For me, I needed to have an experience with Him. It had to be real or I didn’t want a thing to do with this person, this religion. The wrestling of ideals and realities and faith seem to be necessary for acceptance for me. I’m not easily swayed. I’m a skeptic through and through. Trust doesn’t come easy for matters of my heart and soul. So time has been my friend. God’s patience is long; necessarily so, because I have been one stubbornly fearful person digging in my heels to avoid the trappings of behavior modification, the chains of religion. But the hammer never fell, the chains have never returned. Instead the trust has grown. With that comfort has come. I’ve began to be at peace with Him and who I am.
Walking with Him on this life path is like a great conversation; like one of those you’ve had with a person who eventually became your closest friend. Discovery and intrigue and exposure to thoughts never dreamed of that spurred ideas and amazement beyond what anyone could think on their own. This other person changes you, makes you a better you. You feel alive and purposeful. Together you dream big. Alone you can only see what’s in front of you. Now remember that this other person is God. Let that sink in. And then think of the possibilities.
So that’s where I’m at. I accept Him for who He is. I know my frailties and know that He knows them too and isn’t offended. He loves me the way I am and will love me enough to change me through trust in His love for me. He’s not mean or grumpy. He doesn’t have ulterior motives. He is true to His word. He is trustable. These things are true. I get to stretch myself to believe them. That’s faith. Is this too simple? Am I a simpleton? Do I live in “La-la Land” and need psychiatry? There may be a case for it, but I am certain that this way of living beats logical reasonable living any day. I’m never alone. I am loved and get to experience it. I get amazing advice. I’m losing my fears. I have purpose beyond the hum-drum. I love better. And I’m at peace.
I don’t want to live any other way.
Thank you, God, for being so real. Thank you for finding me. I’ve been lost in religion, in self indulgence, in self preservation, in fear…horribly lost and broken for so many years. I have been found and brought home with You. You’ve tolerated my anger and spats and tantrums and horrid tongue lashings. Thank you for Your kindness, Your patience. Thank You for Your forgiveness and blessing instead of punishment. You are so good. You inspire trust and confidence. Of course I would want to be like You. Maybe someday, someday. Until then I have hope in You. You continue to father me like a good father does. You call me Your son and treat me as such. You extend Your hand to me. I put mine in Yours. You give a smile that compels my own grin and we walk on together.
Is this too sappy? It sounds that way, I know. But this is the reality I live in and it is most blessed. I’ll take sappy. It is real. It is amazing. It is full.
And that’s it really. I am having a unique experience of living day to day and moment to moment with an awareness and acknowledgement of God being with me and me with Him. Like a marriage or a brotherhood or a friendship or a companionship. It’s a Father and son strolling down the path. The walk is easy and hard, up and down and sometimes level. Periodically there are paths to choose from and hazards to avoid. It gets dark and then morning comes again. I get separated and call out to be found. Feeling lost is awful. I plow ahead and lose my way. I get weary and sit to rest. He sits with me. Often, He goes on and beckons me to press ahead.
So that’s it really; a walk with my Lord in the normal course of living. It isn’t strange or ethereal. I don’t have special mediations and chants. It doesn’t get weird. I live. I include Him in everything I do. And he knows He’s welcome when I forget to invite Him. I’m a middle aged man physically, but spiritually an adolescent who is learning to be like his Father. And He is a great Father.
Certainly, I’ve doubted Him and questioned His motives and actions. I’ve accused Him of many things. But He has stayed true to who He is. He loves. And for me to know what this meant required inquiry. What does love mean? Warm fuzzies? Sappy mush-gush? I needed to know who He is. And actually, this would be insufficient. For me, I needed to have an experience with Him. It had to be real or I didn’t want a thing to do with this person, this religion. The wrestling of ideals and realities and faith seem to be necessary for acceptance for me. I’m not easily swayed. I’m a skeptic through and through. Trust doesn’t come easy for matters of my heart and soul. So time has been my friend. God’s patience is long; necessarily so, because I have been one stubbornly fearful person digging in my heels to avoid the trappings of behavior modification, the chains of religion. But the hammer never fell, the chains have never returned. Instead the trust has grown. With that comfort has come. I’ve began to be at peace with Him and who I am.
Walking with Him on this life path is like a great conversation; like one of those you’ve had with a person who eventually became your closest friend. Discovery and intrigue and exposure to thoughts never dreamed of that spurred ideas and amazement beyond what anyone could think on their own. This other person changes you, makes you a better you. You feel alive and purposeful. Together you dream big. Alone you can only see what’s in front of you. Now remember that this other person is God. Let that sink in. And then think of the possibilities.
So that’s where I’m at. I accept Him for who He is. I know my frailties and know that He knows them too and isn’t offended. He loves me the way I am and will love me enough to change me through trust in His love for me. He’s not mean or grumpy. He doesn’t have ulterior motives. He is true to His word. He is trustable. These things are true. I get to stretch myself to believe them. That’s faith. Is this too simple? Am I a simpleton? Do I live in “La-la Land” and need psychiatry? There may be a case for it, but I am certain that this way of living beats logical reasonable living any day. I’m never alone. I am loved and get to experience it. I get amazing advice. I’m losing my fears. I have purpose beyond the hum-drum. I love better. And I’m at peace.
I don’t want to live any other way.
Thank you, God, for being so real. Thank you for finding me. I’ve been lost in religion, in self indulgence, in self preservation, in fear…horribly lost and broken for so many years. I have been found and brought home with You. You’ve tolerated my anger and spats and tantrums and horrid tongue lashings. Thank you for Your kindness, Your patience. Thank You for Your forgiveness and blessing instead of punishment. You are so good. You inspire trust and confidence. Of course I would want to be like You. Maybe someday, someday. Until then I have hope in You. You continue to father me like a good father does. You call me Your son and treat me as such. You extend Your hand to me. I put mine in Yours. You give a smile that compels my own grin and we walk on together.
Is this too sappy? It sounds that way, I know. But this is the reality I live in and it is most blessed. I’ll take sappy. It is real. It is amazing. It is full.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
My Inheritance
I attended my aunt’s memorial service yesterday afternoon. It was perfect. She would have loved it. It was full of laughter and conversations and reminiscing. There was singing and smiles and hugs and reacquainting of relatives, and oh yes, food too. Yes, she would have been pleased.
That’s who she was. She was so relational. She loved people. Even me. In fact it “I love you, Curt” were the last words I heard her say to me. It can be such a casual phrase to utter. It can also take on other meanings: I need you, please don’t go, we’re related, you’re kind, you’re fun to be around. It’s a phrase with the word we use to describe our desire for any object we like in a moment of delight. But with Evelyn Labruyer, I felt loved. I knew she meant those words. She really did love me.
We gathered together to celebrate this wonderful woman’s life: Aunts and uncles and cousins; many familiar faces that have aged along with me. Yet we each seem to remain the same. Not much has changed in personality, but life has a way of letting circumstances squeeze out what is really inside. Life is messy. I don’t think any of us expected to be where we are. I certainly expected it to look different. I feel pretty beat up, that sense of being used goods. Maybe that’s why I’m drawn to reunite. My sense of identity is damaged and I seek out where I’ve come from. Or, too, maybe it’s safe. I can come and be a child in the eyes of aunts and uncles who love me and see me purer than I am. Grace is a powerful thing.
I am profoundly moved by being connected to a group of people who have lived on faith in their God and remain steadfast in their belief in Him. They pray, they believe, they trust. I recognize that their blessing is now mine. As much as I have resented the legal doctrine of church and rules of religion that I could not stomach, I know that what was meant with good intention, actually has been waiting for me to enter in, to discover the vast city of faith constructed by others in my ancestry who have chose as I have chosen, to be children of God through faith in Jesus Christ. I now have more in common with these relatives than mere blood relations. I have eternal blessings. In a way I discovered that my family is rich beyond comprehension. No longer thinking and living paycheck to paycheck, but now having full access to unlimited resources to make a difference in this world. God’s blessing is profoundly upon these people of faith of whom I belong in blood and spirit.
Thank you, my family, for standing when all circumstances said run, give up, flee, when there was no hope. Thank you for believing in the God who sought you out and called you to walk in faith. Thank you for responding and not giving in to fear.
And now as the next generation of believers, what is my role to play in the business of faith? I am a priest to my household. I am a confidant of faith to my brothers and sisters in Christ. I carry on the torch that burns bright for the Masters calling. This is a family with a heritage of faith that calls for warriors to fight for those who are weak, that care for those who suffer, and give to those who have nothing. We’re here to manage our enormous blessing to bless those God brings across our path, to those to whom He sends us. Our blessing isn’t ours to merely enjoy, but to take full advantage of, by service to our Lord. He doesn’t bless so we can be comfortable. He blesses with intention.
Lord, let me see. Let my family see the purpose we have in this great inheritance. Holy Spirit, guide us to make God’s will our own. Convert this blessing into lives changed forever because of Your love.
Amen, may it be so.
That’s who she was. She was so relational. She loved people. Even me. In fact it “I love you, Curt” were the last words I heard her say to me. It can be such a casual phrase to utter. It can also take on other meanings: I need you, please don’t go, we’re related, you’re kind, you’re fun to be around. It’s a phrase with the word we use to describe our desire for any object we like in a moment of delight. But with Evelyn Labruyer, I felt loved. I knew she meant those words. She really did love me.
We gathered together to celebrate this wonderful woman’s life: Aunts and uncles and cousins; many familiar faces that have aged along with me. Yet we each seem to remain the same. Not much has changed in personality, but life has a way of letting circumstances squeeze out what is really inside. Life is messy. I don’t think any of us expected to be where we are. I certainly expected it to look different. I feel pretty beat up, that sense of being used goods. Maybe that’s why I’m drawn to reunite. My sense of identity is damaged and I seek out where I’ve come from. Or, too, maybe it’s safe. I can come and be a child in the eyes of aunts and uncles who love me and see me purer than I am. Grace is a powerful thing.
I am profoundly moved by being connected to a group of people who have lived on faith in their God and remain steadfast in their belief in Him. They pray, they believe, they trust. I recognize that their blessing is now mine. As much as I have resented the legal doctrine of church and rules of religion that I could not stomach, I know that what was meant with good intention, actually has been waiting for me to enter in, to discover the vast city of faith constructed by others in my ancestry who have chose as I have chosen, to be children of God through faith in Jesus Christ. I now have more in common with these relatives than mere blood relations. I have eternal blessings. In a way I discovered that my family is rich beyond comprehension. No longer thinking and living paycheck to paycheck, but now having full access to unlimited resources to make a difference in this world. God’s blessing is profoundly upon these people of faith of whom I belong in blood and spirit.
Thank you, my family, for standing when all circumstances said run, give up, flee, when there was no hope. Thank you for believing in the God who sought you out and called you to walk in faith. Thank you for responding and not giving in to fear.
And now as the next generation of believers, what is my role to play in the business of faith? I am a priest to my household. I am a confidant of faith to my brothers and sisters in Christ. I carry on the torch that burns bright for the Masters calling. This is a family with a heritage of faith that calls for warriors to fight for those who are weak, that care for those who suffer, and give to those who have nothing. We’re here to manage our enormous blessing to bless those God brings across our path, to those to whom He sends us. Our blessing isn’t ours to merely enjoy, but to take full advantage of, by service to our Lord. He doesn’t bless so we can be comfortable. He blesses with intention.
Lord, let me see. Let my family see the purpose we have in this great inheritance. Holy Spirit, guide us to make God’s will our own. Convert this blessing into lives changed forever because of Your love.
Amen, may it be so.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Like Walking on Water
The Christmas season arrived for me on December 24th. Although this does fit with a procrastinating lifestyle that I lead, it was not intended to be such. I normally engage in my wrestling match to throw off the holiday commercial and traditional constructs and agonize over meaning and relevance for celebrating. This year there was no wrestling match. This year I didn't fight for meaning and take on the establishment. This year it was about returning to peace. And it was not as easy as it would seem to be.
I had had peace recently. What do I mean by this? I was centered, focused. I was connected and understood my role in the partnership and relationship with my Lord. I had been in an eye of a whirlwind of drama and potential catastrophe. All around me there was strife and unrest. I was at a place where there should be ferocious fear and no end to it while the storm raged, and hopelessness of the aftermath of picking up the pieces of its destruction. And yet I was unaffected somehow, immune to its power? I can give no reason for it, other than I had resolved to believe in the God who asked me to walk onward with Him.
Within a very short time after the storm had passed, another weather system came through. 10 mph of winds and a steady rain began to steadily fall. In hindsight all I can surmise is that I had switched my mindset to go it alone. After all it was hardly a storm. Lack of sleep, a subtle disconnection and a peculiar avoidance to interchange with my God, and a busy wacky weather work week made for a destructive combination that left me weak, sour, and bathing in a mud puddle of self pity.
Left to myself I had no energy, I offended and hurt those close to me, and I was soaking wet with filthy lies and the smelly odor of selfish centeredness.
I had a conversation with my daughter. It was one of those conversations I've had before. This time, however, I was on the other side. It was her with the perspective and the amazing story of giving herself over to faith in her heavenly Father. It was her with experience of peace in the middle of what should have been a miserable frenzy. Instead of strife, there was beautiful provision of all that was needed and an abundance of glorious peace as God's love became apparent in uncanny predicaments that should not have happened, but did. A sense of awe gave way to humility as she realized once again that she was being taken care of down to the finest details.
So powerful was her experience that she has made the choice for faith. She sees its worth, its relevance.
I have made the same choice. I have decided to live there, to make it my home. The afternoon of December 24th faith escorted me to the peace that had found me weeks earlier. The result was joy in the middle of a huge potential disappointment, an enjoyable conversation and interaction with my children, and a deep and meaningful connection with my family, whose company I thoroughly enjoyed.
Instead of wrestling, fighting for ideals and meaning, I have chosen faith. There I found meaning in what mattered. Through faith I have been able to embrace relationships without fear or hopeless expectations.
Thank You, Father for Your revelation of faith. Thank You that it is relevant, meaningful in all that I do. It is a faith that acknowledges Your character, Your capabilities, who you are, and who you are to me, to us. You are always welcome in my life. I want You with me. I want what You have for me. You have become so necessary for me, so vital. You are strength to my frail soul and life to this body and mind ravaged by fear. Today I choose you, Your way. Today I choose faith.
I had had peace recently. What do I mean by this? I was centered, focused. I was connected and understood my role in the partnership and relationship with my Lord. I had been in an eye of a whirlwind of drama and potential catastrophe. All around me there was strife and unrest. I was at a place where there should be ferocious fear and no end to it while the storm raged, and hopelessness of the aftermath of picking up the pieces of its destruction. And yet I was unaffected somehow, immune to its power? I can give no reason for it, other than I had resolved to believe in the God who asked me to walk onward with Him.
Within a very short time after the storm had passed, another weather system came through. 10 mph of winds and a steady rain began to steadily fall. In hindsight all I can surmise is that I had switched my mindset to go it alone. After all it was hardly a storm. Lack of sleep, a subtle disconnection and a peculiar avoidance to interchange with my God, and a busy wacky weather work week made for a destructive combination that left me weak, sour, and bathing in a mud puddle of self pity.
Left to myself I had no energy, I offended and hurt those close to me, and I was soaking wet with filthy lies and the smelly odor of selfish centeredness.
I had a conversation with my daughter. It was one of those conversations I've had before. This time, however, I was on the other side. It was her with the perspective and the amazing story of giving herself over to faith in her heavenly Father. It was her with experience of peace in the middle of what should have been a miserable frenzy. Instead of strife, there was beautiful provision of all that was needed and an abundance of glorious peace as God's love became apparent in uncanny predicaments that should not have happened, but did. A sense of awe gave way to humility as she realized once again that she was being taken care of down to the finest details.
So powerful was her experience that she has made the choice for faith. She sees its worth, its relevance.
I have made the same choice. I have decided to live there, to make it my home. The afternoon of December 24th faith escorted me to the peace that had found me weeks earlier. The result was joy in the middle of a huge potential disappointment, an enjoyable conversation and interaction with my children, and a deep and meaningful connection with my family, whose company I thoroughly enjoyed.
Instead of wrestling, fighting for ideals and meaning, I have chosen faith. There I found meaning in what mattered. Through faith I have been able to embrace relationships without fear or hopeless expectations.
Thank You, Father for Your revelation of faith. Thank You that it is relevant, meaningful in all that I do. It is a faith that acknowledges Your character, Your capabilities, who you are, and who you are to me, to us. You are always welcome in my life. I want You with me. I want what You have for me. You have become so necessary for me, so vital. You are strength to my frail soul and life to this body and mind ravaged by fear. Today I choose you, Your way. Today I choose faith.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Choosing Faith
So this is it. This is where faith is shown to be fact or fiction. Is it real? Is it all it is intended to be? Is it worth the price I am paying?
This is a harsh reality. Standing on a belief that I will test by stepping out without certainty, without a safety net or caution, and is beyond any reasonable thought. I'm compelled by forces beyond myself. The passion to push onward is not mustered from within. I am not a successful wishful, or positive thinker. The act of faith defies reason which screams at me with all its fears and desperation. I hear and want to return to my comfort and caution. But as I begin to consider the cost, I immediately choose the pain of faith rather than the numb existence; the illusion of control and safety. Because, on the other side of this exercise I will be alive like no other time in my life. I will have a story of real life adventure. It will be a story of apparent tragedy turned to amazing miracles and living fully filled with joy and hope, and grandness. On the other side of this I will again be able to say what a mighty God He is. I will again tell of His love for me; how this great and powerful God knows me, and ...wants to spend time with His child. Unbelievable.
Father, I believe in who You are. I am not lost in this dark woods of a life. I am with You. You are with me. I look around. The view is frightening. I do not know the way. I cannot survive alone. I haven't the slightest clue as to how to navigate through this life maze. Alone I get lost. Alone I become weary of the pulsating fear. Alone I become harsh and mean or indifferent and defeated. Without You I must numb myself or erode to insanity. Realizing my need for You is essential. Choosing to walk with You, trusting You know where we're going, believing You are strong and love me, and You know the way: These are the reasons I choose to keep my hand in Yours and willfully walk with You.
You are a powerful and resourceful God. You are not broke. You are not in a recession. Yes, You are and will be my provider. You are and will be my strength. Yes, You are and will be my peace and joy and comfort in troubled times. But more importantly than all of these is that You are my Father.
And I am Your son.
This is a harsh reality. Standing on a belief that I will test by stepping out without certainty, without a safety net or caution, and is beyond any reasonable thought. I'm compelled by forces beyond myself. The passion to push onward is not mustered from within. I am not a successful wishful, or positive thinker. The act of faith defies reason which screams at me with all its fears and desperation. I hear and want to return to my comfort and caution. But as I begin to consider the cost, I immediately choose the pain of faith rather than the numb existence; the illusion of control and safety. Because, on the other side of this exercise I will be alive like no other time in my life. I will have a story of real life adventure. It will be a story of apparent tragedy turned to amazing miracles and living fully filled with joy and hope, and grandness. On the other side of this I will again be able to say what a mighty God He is. I will again tell of His love for me; how this great and powerful God knows me, and ...wants to spend time with His child. Unbelievable.
Father, I believe in who You are. I am not lost in this dark woods of a life. I am with You. You are with me. I look around. The view is frightening. I do not know the way. I cannot survive alone. I haven't the slightest clue as to how to navigate through this life maze. Alone I get lost. Alone I become weary of the pulsating fear. Alone I become harsh and mean or indifferent and defeated. Without You I must numb myself or erode to insanity. Realizing my need for You is essential. Choosing to walk with You, trusting You know where we're going, believing You are strong and love me, and You know the way: These are the reasons I choose to keep my hand in Yours and willfully walk with You.
You are a powerful and resourceful God. You are not broke. You are not in a recession. Yes, You are and will be my provider. You are and will be my strength. Yes, You are and will be my peace and joy and comfort in troubled times. But more importantly than all of these is that You are my Father.
And I am Your son.
Friday, November 28, 2008
My Role in My Purpose
Today I am tasting morsels of who I am and my unique value. I am one of a kind, yes, but deeper than that, I am essential to carry out the purpose placed in me. I have been placed in charge of others whose lives I have influence and am responsible for as far as my own leadership allows. I am a priest tending to his people. I am an intercessor, pleading their case before the Almighty, and contending for His power to save, to bring life. Intercession is the roll of a priest. This morning I rediscovered how alive I feel when I do so. My purpose meter pegs when I fight for others through prayer. In this I have the blessing of Christ, our ultimate priest, our ultimate intercessor. I know He is pleased.
Perhaps today I am not actually tasting, but only smelling the aroma of my purpose. It certainly does arouse my appetite. I become hungry for what God has for me to do; not in a task like way, but as a cooperative effort, a partnership. I get the privilege of cooperating with the Creator of the universe in what miracle he wants to breathe. Today I get to enjoy the company of God and my son. It doesn’t get any better.
Father, thank You for giving me purpose. Thank You for inviting me to partner with You in what You want to do in others. There are no disillutions here. I am with YOU in YOUR purpose. I have myself and my purpose to contribute. You call the shots. I will let YOU lead. I will humbly follow.
Perhaps today I am not actually tasting, but only smelling the aroma of my purpose. It certainly does arouse my appetite. I become hungry for what God has for me to do; not in a task like way, but as a cooperative effort, a partnership. I get the privilege of cooperating with the Creator of the universe in what miracle he wants to breathe. Today I get to enjoy the company of God and my son. It doesn’t get any better.
Father, thank You for giving me purpose. Thank You for inviting me to partner with You in what You want to do in others. There are no disillutions here. I am with YOU in YOUR purpose. I have myself and my purpose to contribute. You call the shots. I will let YOU lead. I will humbly follow.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Giving Thanks
Today is Thanksgiving Day. A day declared to be set aside by men with perspective who were humbled by circumstances, but more importantly, knew their survival and existence was not one of luck, but by the grace of their God. These people understood that life was not always good. they also understood that gratitude is not only appropriate when all goes well. In spite of their suffering, their faith clung to the one hope in their heavenly Father.
I cannot put myself in the place of these men. I do not understand the great suffering of bitter winters and loss life, loss of beloved children and parents and spouses and friends. To have experienced this and to be able to stand with hearts of gratitude is beyond my comprehension. That is some deep rooted faith that I can only aspire to.
Lord, do I ask for such a thing? Wanting to experience such faith beckons a test to build such a strength. I cannot wholeheartedly ask. But I know that I want to believe stronger in who You are; Your character and Your love for me, Your power and compassion. I want to know You. And in that wanting I become determined to trust regardless of circumstances.
Today, regardless of what I am experiencing and no matter what lies ahead, I choose to trust in who You are, Lord. I believe that I have purpose today. What that is may not be up to me. But I'm alive. I woke up today. I'm breathing and can function. I'm Your child. That's a good start to any day.
Lord, I submit this day to You. Make it the Thanksgiving Day You wish it to be. I have all sorts of expectations and plans. But if You aren't in on them with me then I'd rather that they all change. My plans sour me and make me grumpy and lonely. Your's give life to me and others. Your agenda gives joy. I trust this. I believe it. I will hope in faith as I walk it out.
Lastly, I thank You, God, for all You are and do. You are amazing to me. You give and bless and care for me outlandishly. At times it overwhelms me. I do not expect it. It is undeserved. But I know it is one way You choose to demonstrate Your love for me. I accept it with gratitude. Thank You for loving me wholly. Thank You for the grace to accept it, be changed by it, and give it to others. Thank for this great love.
I cannot put myself in the place of these men. I do not understand the great suffering of bitter winters and loss life, loss of beloved children and parents and spouses and friends. To have experienced this and to be able to stand with hearts of gratitude is beyond my comprehension. That is some deep rooted faith that I can only aspire to.
Lord, do I ask for such a thing? Wanting to experience such faith beckons a test to build such a strength. I cannot wholeheartedly ask. But I know that I want to believe stronger in who You are; Your character and Your love for me, Your power and compassion. I want to know You. And in that wanting I become determined to trust regardless of circumstances.
Today, regardless of what I am experiencing and no matter what lies ahead, I choose to trust in who You are, Lord. I believe that I have purpose today. What that is may not be up to me. But I'm alive. I woke up today. I'm breathing and can function. I'm Your child. That's a good start to any day.
Lord, I submit this day to You. Make it the Thanksgiving Day You wish it to be. I have all sorts of expectations and plans. But if You aren't in on them with me then I'd rather that they all change. My plans sour me and make me grumpy and lonely. Your's give life to me and others. Your agenda gives joy. I trust this. I believe it. I will hope in faith as I walk it out.
Lastly, I thank You, God, for all You are and do. You are amazing to me. You give and bless and care for me outlandishly. At times it overwhelms me. I do not expect it. It is undeserved. But I know it is one way You choose to demonstrate Your love for me. I accept it with gratitude. Thank You for loving me wholly. Thank You for the grace to accept it, be changed by it, and give it to others. Thank for this great love.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Relationship Riches
I am blessed. I am rich and I am blessed. There is such delight in that all that I receive from my Lord is good. What adversity comes my way, God sees to it that it makes me learn and be stronger. Actually I don’t ever know the reason for adversity. And I never know what character He is building in me. I do know that in the middle of it He is always accessible. He doesn’t leave or get busy, and never gets frustrated with me. I do enough for both of us. But at some point I become aware of my micro-perspective and turn to face my heavenly Father who is not shaken by my circumstances. Instead He provides peace in the middle of the whirlwind where I can hear His voice and respond.
Lord, thank You for all You are. You are generous and kind, compassionate and gracious. You make feel at home. I'm at peace. I trust You. Thank You for being my God. Thank You for providing for this child. You are a wonderful Father.
Lord, thank You for all You are. You are generous and kind, compassionate and gracious. You make feel at home. I'm at peace. I trust You. Thank You for being my God. Thank You for providing for this child. You are a wonderful Father.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Perception
I have a friend coming over sometime today. I always get nervous when guests come to my home. I get very aware of my neglected chores and dust on the furnitures and everything that I've put off and wish I hadn't. I notice my bookshelves. There are many "religious" books that are there. It is a vulnerable exposure of who I am and from where I've come. I can hear him now: "I didn't know you were a religious person?" At first I am embarrassed to be so secretive about my world. But then I think: "What a compliment" Seriously, the fact that I am real and not "churchy" and "preachy" and "holier than thou" while I stand on my soap box and thump away makes me think that this may be a great day of conversation and thought.
Lord, I shift my gaze from the stressful vulnerability at hand and choose to invite You to do Your stuff today. I choose to relax in Your great pleasure of honesty and grace. I get to enjoy this day with nothing to lose and so much to gain as I watch You perform a grand miracle in front of my eyes. May joy ever be my focus this day. May my home be warm and inviting. May all those who enter be at peace and feel embraced by its welcome. What a grand thing to be in Your company as others encounter me today. There are infinite possibilities....
Lord, I shift my gaze from the stressful vulnerability at hand and choose to invite You to do Your stuff today. I choose to relax in Your great pleasure of honesty and grace. I get to enjoy this day with nothing to lose and so much to gain as I watch You perform a grand miracle in front of my eyes. May joy ever be my focus this day. May my home be warm and inviting. May all those who enter be at peace and feel embraced by its welcome. What a grand thing to be in Your company as others encounter me today. There are infinite possibilities....
Saturday, November 8, 2008
November Wednesday
Today November Wednesday turns thirty. She was so young when I first met her. It was at my future daughter's first birthday party at a little huvvell of an apartment. My, so much has changed. I'll be at her bithday celebration today along with many others. What should I say to her besides the obvious? I'm not one to be cliche. On a day such as this I wish to speak deliberately. Words of depth and meaning, words with a purpose are appropriate.
Lord what would You say to her? She doesn't know You from me. She would love to hear from You though. She is one to savor a meaningful day such as this. She is profoundly inciteful and cares deeply for souls. She would want to hear from You, Lord. Am I the spokesman? I certainly don't need to be. I only want to speak into her life. She is a kind person, a wonderful mother, and a partner in the underworld society of soulful intentions. She gets it. She is a beautiful person. And instead of a trinket gift, I want to give her something lasting. What would that be , Father?
Lord what would You say to her? She doesn't know You from me. She would love to hear from You though. She is one to savor a meaningful day such as this. She is profoundly inciteful and cares deeply for souls. She would want to hear from You, Lord. Am I the spokesman? I certainly don't need to be. I only want to speak into her life. She is a kind person, a wonderful mother, and a partner in the underworld society of soulful intentions. She gets it. She is a beautiful person. And instead of a trinket gift, I want to give her something lasting. What would that be , Father?
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